When i get married, there would be three things i would be worried about: finances, army mobilisations, and big groups of unmarried people visiting during Chinese New Year. The latter is, of course, the worst of the three. You know, being in the mindset that i am married, i am a horrid enough person to be biased for the married against the unmarried. The husbands against the bachelors. The wives against the spinsters.
Just today i made a date with a few other individuals with the same interests as mine to meet up and play a game of in-between. Yes, us gamblers. And, as you know, gambling in public is not so much as fun as when gambling in a house (especially when policemen come a-knockin’), so we went to a person’s house.
It is of chinoiserie interests to bring two mandarin oranges along with oneself whenever going to people’s houses during Chinese New Year, as a form of respect and sharing of luck. However, in return, or at least out of politeness, a married couple would have to give the unmarried a red packet, or angpow, which, more often that not, contains money. I’ve met certain people who give chocolate coins, but that’s not the point here, though i must say that i still do equally (ok, maybe not so equally. ok. not equally at all) appreciate the effort. Giving chocolate coins sort of imply that the person is going through some financial turmoil at the moment for him to resort to such a valiant action, so it would be extremely cruel to fault someone for giving chocolate coins instead of bank notes. Just hope he has better luck next year or something.
Anyway, if i were married, and have a kid or two, i would think it kind of weird for my son/daughter to bring his friends home to gamble, while i have to give my son’s/daughter’s friends angpow money, which i know would obviously end up on the gambling table throughout the course of the evening. When i give people money, i wouldn’t really want to know what they do with that money. Well, of course, if some dude tells me he’s gonna save it up in a bank account that would ultimately fund his university studies, then of course i would be delighted. Hell, i might even give him another angpow! As for the others, i really wouldn’t want to know what you do with that money. Perhaps at the other end of the spectrum is that, yes, i do know what’s going to happen with that money, and that, oh, no, it’s gonna be on the gambling table. What would i have perpetrated? What have i done, oh man! I’m giving someone money to gamble. Wouldn’t that be kinda evil? It’s like finding someone in a deserted house all alone and all tied up. He’s looking at you with those innocent, desperate “OMFG FINALLY A SANE PERSON! PLEASE MAN YOU GOTTA HELP ME OUT HELP MEEEEE!” eyes. Then you pick up a random stick from the ground and start poking him deliriously like the sadist that you are. You’re obviously driving him down the road to no where.
Anyway, since i was five, or maybe even younger than that, i’ve been thinking about how little children meet up with their cliques and start going around to one another’s houses to collect red packets. Like, “Let those adults pay for having given birth to their children! Mwahahhaah! I’m young and i’m powerful, and boy do i love these opportunities for free money. Now i can afford that Nintendo DSi thing i’ve been eyeing all year. MWahhaha!” And that sure looked like the case to me. I mean, what could the grown ups actually say to a group of children who come visiting? There isn’t much to catch up on. It’s probably the first time meeting each other anyway. What are your grades? What hobbies do you have? Which secondary school are you intending to go to? Ah, sounds kinda bland to me. And after they’re bored (let’s give that a guess.. maybe a grand total of 7 seconds?), they sort of give these body language signals that scream, “I WANNA GET OUTTA HERE AND GO GET MORE MONEY AT GABRIEL’S HOUSE! NOWWWWW!” and it would be a torture to both you and the small kids to detain them in your nicely decorated house that they fail to appreciate the value and thought involved. They probably think those decorations miraculously grow out of nothing out of nowhere. Or maybe out of a seed. You know, one of those seeds from Jack and the Beanstalk?
It would be so awkward! If the parents came too, i would feel less awkward, for like, maybe 1% less of the time. I would think, “Dude, you and i know why you brought your kid here. Just give me what you think i want, and i’ll give your kid what he very much wants, and let’s be on our ways.”
Okay, maybe rarely, very rarely, “Oh, thanks for the compliment on the house, i think they’re lovely too. Yes, yes, i put in a lot of effort for them. Here, okay i don’t usually do this but please take off your shoes and come in and be my guest, please. No one ever says those bloody decorations that i spend 6 hours on every year are any good, so please, make yourself at home!” Ah, that would be nice, really. Haha.
Anyway, i just wanted to say that Chinese New Year is an economist’s nightmare (or any person who studied secondary school maths, really). Like seriously. Two mandarin oranges that cost at most $1, could be exchanged for an angpow that is worth a minimum of $2! Well, maybe the occasional two chocolate coins, but then again it’s a one-in-a-hundred-or-more chance, so why not take it? It’s a 100% profit, or more! Usually more! Well, in any case, if i ever become a miserly economist I would 1) disallow any visitors of any kind to my houses, 2) only allow my children visit my friends who are married with one or no children, 3) buy ten cartons of mandarin oranges (remember the 100% profit! omg how can i let this go easily!), 4) let my children team up with his clique and force him to psycho everyone to visit everyone’s houses (except my house, of course, which would be off-limits to everyone!) to claim the angpows (it’s kinda like how people in World Of Warcraft use the term “raid”. It rather aptly explains it, really). This might have future repercussions on the psychology and mentality of my child, but, oh well, a small sacrifice for a greater good, eh? haha. And then last but not least, 5) buy new shoes before the New Year, so i can visit enough families during the CNY period to exchange my mandarins for monaaaaaay. Shoe spoil never mind, i got moooooolahhhhh!!
Okay, i shouldn’t say any other bad things people can do during the CNY period. They should all be kept as secrets. Secrets i would protect with all my heart, soul and bak kwa.
Hope you guys have a happy Chinese New Year.
Gong Xi Fa Cai!
